High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out
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- Author：Amanda Ripley
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Summary
When we are baffled by the insanity of the “other side”—in our politics， at work， or at home—it’s because we aren’t seeing how the conflict itself has taken over。
That’s what “high conflict” does。 It’s the invisible hand of our time。 And it’s different from the useful friction of healthy conflict。 That’s good conflict， and it’s a necessary force that pushes us to be better people。
High conflict， by contrast， is what happens when discord distills into a good-versus-evil kind of feud， the kind with an us and a them。 In this state， the normal rules of engagement no longer apply。 The brain behaves differently。 We feel increasingly certain of our own superiority and， at the same time， more and more mystified by the other side。
New York Times bestselling author and award-winning journalist Amanda Ripley investigates how good people get captured by high conflict—and how they break free。
Our journey begins in California， where a world-renowned conflict expert struggles to extract himself from a political feud。 Then we meet a Chicago gang leader who dedicates his life to a vendetta—only to find himself working beside the man who killed his childhood idol。 Next， we travel to Colombia， to find out whether thousands of people can be nudged out of high conflict at scale。 Finally， we return to America to see what happens when a group of liberal Manhattan Jews and conservative Michigan corrections officers choose to stay in each other’s homes in order to understand one another better。
All these people， in dramatically different situations， were drawn into high conflict by similar forces， including conflict entrepreneurs， humiliation， and false binaries。 But ultimately， all of them found ways to transform high conflict into something good， something that made them better people。 They rehumanized and recategorized their opponents， and they revived curiosity and wonder， even as they continued to fight for what they knew was right。
People do escape high conflict。 Individuals—even entire communities—can short-circuit the feedback loops of outrage and blame， if they want to。 This is a mind-opening new way to think about conflict that will transform how we move through the world。
That’s what “high conflict” does。 It’s the invisible hand of our time。 And it’s different from the useful friction of healthy conflict。 That’s good conflict， and it’s a necessary force that pushes us to be better people。
High conflict， by contrast， is what happens when discord distills into a good-versus-evil kind of feud， the kind with an us and a them。 In this state， the normal rules of engagement no longer apply。 The brain behaves differently。 We feel increasingly certain of our own superiority and， at the same time， more and more mystified by the other side。
New York Times bestselling author and award-winning journalist Amanda Ripley investigates how good people get captured by high conflict—and how they break free。
Our journey begins in California， where a world-renowned conflict expert struggles to extract himself from a political feud。 Then we meet a Chicago gang leader who dedicates his life to a vendetta—only to find himself working beside the man who killed his childhood idol。 Next， we travel to Colombia， to find out whether thousands of people can be nudged out of high conflict at scale。 Finally， we return to America to see what happens when a group of liberal Manhattan Jews and conservative Michigan corrections officers choose to stay in each other’s homes in order to understand one another better。
All these people， in dramatically different situations， were drawn into high conflict by similar forces， including conflict entrepreneurs， humiliation， and false binaries。 But ultimately， all of them found ways to transform high conflict into something good， something that made them better people。 They rehumanized and recategorized their opponents， and they revived curiosity and wonder， even as they continued to fight for what they knew was right。
People do escape high conflict。 Individuals—even entire communities—can short-circuit the feedback loops of outrage and blame， if they want to。 This is a mind-opening new way to think about conflict that will transform how we move through the world。
Reviews
Liz
，
The author takes the term “high conflict” — usually used as an adjective to describe certain kinds of divorces — and turns it into a noun to describe all kinds of high-hear conflict in our world。 I’m sure that academics would lob the same criticisms they have for Malcolm Gladwell， but she’s a good storyteller and there’s a lot of practical advice for how to turn down the temperature in our own lives。 I’m still pretty pessimistic about the future of our country though。
Emilie22
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What is high conflict versus normal conflict？ It's conflict that is unproductive and stagnant versus conflict that seeks to resolve and move forward。 It sounds incredibly obvious but is such a good reminder for us to check ourselves: are we engaging in healthy， productive conversation or are we set in our thoughts and tuning the other person out？She uses a political platform， gang rivalry and divorce as the main examples to prove her points。 I underlined plenty of nuggets throughout:-"The bigges What is high conflict versus normal conflict？ It's conflict that is unproductive and stagnant versus conflict that seeks to resolve and move forward。 It sounds incredibly obvious but is such a good reminder for us to check ourselves: are we engaging in healthy， productive conversation or are we set in our thoughts and tuning the other person out？She uses a political platform， gang rivalry and divorce as the main examples to prove her points。 I underlined plenty of nuggets throughout:-"The biggest problem is communication。。。First we think we have conveyed our intentions and desires clearly when we haven't。 And second， we don't really know what our intentions and desires are。"-Avoid fire starters and conflict entrepreneurs （and recognize who these people or things are in your life）。-Before speaking， answer 3 questions: Does it need to be said？ Does it need to be said by me？ And does it need to be said by me right now？My criticism of the book is in the writing style。 As another review mentioned， it felt very choppy at times and disjointed。 Overall though， this is a good starting point in examining our own role in high conflict and how we can help dispel it。 。。。more
Rika Mead
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Excellent， relevant & amazing。 I'd donate $ to put this in schools， starting at elementary level。 If we all practiced these skills， the world would be a MUCH better place。Aside: I listened to the audio version， as usual。 Also， as usual， I was maximally alarmed to discover that the author was reading her own work。 Amazingly， she was terrific （perhaps the difference between fiction and non- requires less vocal differentiation 。。？）。 Excellent， relevant & amazing。 I'd donate $ to put this in schools， starting at elementary level。 If we all practiced these skills， the world would be a MUCH better place。Aside: I listened to the audio version， as usual。 Also， as usual， I was maximally alarmed to discover that the author was reading her own work。 Amazingly， she was terrific （perhaps the difference between fiction and non- requires less vocal differentiation 。。？）。 。。。more
Kimberlyedavis
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I’ll take any advice on how to turn high conflict into healthy conflict and how to make space and respect different opinions without dehumanizing “them”。
Janna
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Ripley uses a brilliant， albeit grim analogy of California’s La Brea Tar pits: it’s the source of one of the biggest collections of Ice Age fossils in the world， including those of Woolly mammoths and sabre-toothed tigers。 For thousands of years， the pits became death traps to unwitting animals who wandered in and attracted predators with their struggle to escape。 Much like the millions of creatures who became trapped in that murky goo， when we’re lured into a feud， we become helpless against th Ripley uses a brilliant， albeit grim analogy of California’s La Brea Tar pits: it’s the source of one of the biggest collections of Ice Age fossils in the world， including those of Woolly mammoths and sabre-toothed tigers。 For thousands of years， the pits became death traps to unwitting animals who wandered in and attracted predators with their struggle to escape。 Much like the millions of creatures who became trapped in that murky goo， when we’re lured into a feud， we become helpless against the pull of high conflict。Listen to my complete review on the Audiobook Reviews in Five Minutes podcast: https://podcast。jannastam。com/episode。。。 。。。more
Diane
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This book was a great and thought-provoking read。 Any book that stretches my thinking gets 5 stars！ Don't forget to read the Appendix。。。some great stuff in it。 This book was a great and thought-provoking read。 Any book that stretches my thinking gets 5 stars！ Don't forget to read the Appendix。。。some great stuff in it。 。。。more
Rick Howard
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Recommended for: all politicians: Uncle Harry before the next Thanksgiving: Many Fox News punditsThe last four years have been brutal。 The election of President Trump， whether you liked the guy or not， sent everybody to their respective corners to hurl insults at each other and not even try to understand what the other side was saying。 Polarization doesn't' seem to be a big enough word to convey this extremis situation。 But the title of this book captures it perfectly。 "High conflict" is akin t Recommended for: all politicians: Uncle Harry before the next Thanksgiving: Many Fox News punditsThe last four years have been brutal。 The election of President Trump， whether you liked the guy or not， sent everybody to their respective corners to hurl insults at each other and not even try to understand what the other side was saying。 Polarization doesn't' seem to be a big enough word to convey this extremis situation。 But the title of this book captures it perfectly。 "High conflict" is akin to the electrons in a laser light that absorb energy and move from a lower-energy orbit to a higher-energy orbit around the atom’s nucleus。 The difference though is that ， in a laser， once you remove the energy source， the electrons go back to a low-energy orbit。 In our current cultural and political environments today， we don't know how to turn off the energy。 The author of "High Conflict" may have provided us a way to find the off-switch。The author， Amanda Ripley， is quick to point out that not all conflict is bad。 We all can't agree on everything。 But there is a difference between a debate and a high conflict。 High conflict has some definite indicators。 See if you don't recognize some of these characteristics in today's political and cultural environments1: Use of sweeping， grandiose， or violent language。 Example: War on Christmas， Example: We want to defeat the other side regardless of the issue at hand。2: Use of rumors， myths， or conspiracy theories。 Example: QAnon。 Example: Voting was rigged。3: The spectrum of thought disappears leaving only two binary extremes。 Example: Republicans vs Democrats， Example: Conservatives vs liberals。4: The existence of Conflict entrepreneurs， people and organizations who benefit from fanning the fires of high conflict。 These are Fire starters and use accelerants like establishing group identities （The Boogaloo Bois， The Proud Boys， and The Three Percenters） and humiliating the other side。 Example: Rush Limbaugh， Example: Fox News commentary pundits。 Example: Glenn Beck。5: Rage and other factors pull people into high conflict despite their own best interests。 Ripley refers these situations as conflict traps。US politics has always been nasty。 I'm not making the case here that this is a special time。 It might be， but I'm not sure。 But， with the amplification platforms from social media， I do believe this is a unique time for culture wars。 Before social media， you never heard about what people really thought behind closed doors until Uncle Harry showed up at Thanksgiving every year and let us now how the government's use of Chemtrails is keeping the the citizens compliant。 With social media， we hear about that all the time。Ripley offers some techniques to take the energy out of this high conflict zone。 They are hard to do but have proven useful in many real world situations that she describes （More on that in a bit）。 1。 Investigate the understory。 Resist the rage you feel。 Don't refute Uncle Harry point by point。 Ask him what he is really afraid of。 Try some empathy。 Try using a third party mediator like in a divorce proceeding。 Instead of an adversarial court appearance where somebody wins and loses， the mediators help the two sides get past the anger and come to a settlement。2。 Reduce the binary。 Resist the urge to reduce everything to two sides: Republicans vs Democrats， Conservatives vs liberals。3。 Marginalize the fire starters。 Just turn them off。4。 Buy time and make space。 Resist the urge to respond immediately with your points。 Use the magic ratio technique that says you should look for five positive interactions to every one negative one。 In conversation， use the looping technique， an iterative， active listening technique in which the person listening reflects back what the person talking seems to have said—and checks to see if the summary was right。 Use the "Go to the Balcony" technique。 Instead of immediately engaging the other side， go somewhere quiet and think about the issue as if you were neutral third party。 As Ripley says， "Want to convince other people that you are right and they are wrong？ Stop trying to do it on social media。 Or through shame， in any medium。 It will backfire。 Persuasion requires understanding， and understanding requires listening。"5。 Complicate the narrative。 Be suspicious of simple stories。 Get curious about the issue。 Ask questions。 Try to understand。 Use questions like: What is oversimplified about this conflict？ : What do you want to understand about the other side？: What do you want the other side to understand about you？ : What would it feel like if you woke up and this problem was solved？ : What’s the question nobody’s asking？ : What do you want to know about this controversy that you don’t already know？ : Where do you feel torn？ : Tell me more。Ripley didn't come up with all of this on her own。 She sought real world success stories and they are compelling。 They are about about people and governments that fell into the conflict trap and have tried things to get out。 Some worked。 Some didn't。: Mark Lynas。 Environmentalist and author。 Formerly an activist against genetically modified crops but realized that he was in a conflict trap， worked to get out of it， and eventually apologized on stage to the other side at his acceptance speech for the Royal Society award for science writing。: Gary Friedman。 World famous conflict mediator。 Invented the practice of divorce mediation but in semi-retirement， ran for his local political office and immediately fell into the conflict trap。: Sandra Milena Vera Bustos。 A former Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia （the FARC） took advantage a government program to get FARC members out of the jungle and into private citizenship again。 The Colombian government's program is fascinating because they give housing and jobs to former FARC terrorists when regular citizens don't have those things。 It's obviously controversial， not intuitive， but essential。: Black September。 A mid-1970s， Palestinian Liberation Organization （PLO） covert commando unit that sought revenge for humiliations suffered by the Palestinian people。 Black September had assassinated Jordan’s prime minister and had infiltrated the Olympic Village in Munich， kidnapping and eventually massacring eleven Israeli athletes。 Yasser Arafat， the chairman of the PLO， needed to disband Black September。 He introduced the members of Black September to a group of about a hundred Palestinian women。 If any of the men and women decided to get married， they got $3，000 and an apartment with a new， nonviolent job。 If these married couples had a baby， they’d get another $5，000。 To the surprise of everyone involved， the matchmaking worked。 All the members of Black September got married and had a reason not stay in the high conflict zone。 One of the tenets of a good book is that when you are finished， you find yourself thinking about it over and over again。 That is what I'm doing with "High Conflict。" None of the solutions to the high conflict state that Ripley is suggesting are easy to do。 But before I read this book， I could see no path out of the current situation。 With her ideas， at least we have options。 And I'm grateful for it。 。。。more
Jim Breslin
，
I really enjoyed ‘High Conflict - How We Get Trapped and How We Get Out’ by Amanda Ripley。 Ripley does a better job synopsizing the book than I could so here’s what she wrote: “This is a book about the mysterious force that incites people to lose their minds in ideological disputes， political feuds， or gang vendettas。 The force that causes us to lie awake at night， obsessed by a conflict with a coworker or a sibling or a politician we’ve never met。”Ripley weaves several case studies of “high con I really enjoyed ‘High Conflict - How We Get Trapped and How We Get Out’ by Amanda Ripley。 Ripley does a better job synopsizing the book than I could so here’s what she wrote: “This is a book about the mysterious force that incites people to lose their minds in ideological disputes， political feuds， or gang vendettas。 The force that causes us to lie awake at night， obsessed by a conflict with a coworker or a sibling or a politician we’ve never met。”Ripley weaves several case studies of “high conflict，” whereas disputes have grown seeming intractable: feuding divorced couples， gang rivalries， local politics in a California town， Colombian rebels reintegrating into society， and the growing divide in the USA。 She notes - “The challenge of our time is to mobilize great masses of people to make change without dehumanizing one another。 Not just because it’s morally right， but because it works。” Ripley starts with a divorce lawyer who started mediating divorces instead of litigating divorces， saving his clients both money and humiliation。 She explains - “The traditional， adversarial legal system is designed to play into our worst conflict instincts， to go to war…。。 Like cable TV news and many social media platforms， the law is designed mostly to perpetuate itself。 Stock market millions have been made by inciting high conflict systematically， creating a vast conflict-industrial complex。 （Pg 37）She also explores how NASA selects and trains their crews to exist harmoniously in cramped spaces for extended periods of time。 As one trainer states， “You can pick a low-drama crew。 But not a no-drama crew。” The weaving of her case studies brings about the similarities caused by these personal disputes， and she studies two former members of Chicago gangs who now work to stop violence among younger men in their communities。 Much of the book is not about American politics in 2020， but eventually she delves in with some interesting insights - “Americans， too， have become blinded by conflict。 Democrats think Republicans are richer， older， crueler， and more unreasonable than they are in real life。 Republicans， meanwhile， think Democrats are more godless， gay， and radical than they actually are。 The most politically engaged people are the most mistaken about one another。”“Americans on each side imagine that almost twice as many people on the other side hold extreme views than actually do。 Both Democrats and Republicans also dramatically overestimate how much the other side dislikes them。” （Pg。 89）Ripley describes how the worst outcomes are often fueled by humiliation - “As a prison psychiatrist， James Gilligan conducted many interviews with men who had been convicted of serious crimes。 He started to notice that humiliation was connected to violence like smoke to fire。 “I have yet to see a serious act of violence that was not provoked by the experience of feeling shamed and humiliated， disrespected and ridiculed，” he wrote， “and that did not represent the attempt to prevent or undo this ‘loss of face。’” （Pg 124）One of the recommendations is recognizable， if not used， by many people today。 She writes - “For everyone， in an high-emotion situation， the most tried and tested method is to practice rhythmic breathing。 Taking slow， deep breaths is one of the few actions that influence both our somatic nervous system （which we can intentionally control） and our autonomic system （which includes our heartbeat and other actions which we cannot consciously access。） The breath is a bridge between the two。 189 She points out breathing techniques are used by Special Forces soldiers and martial arts practitioners。 Call it “combat breathing” or mindfulness， it’s all related。” A divorce mediator named Gary offers sage advice near the end of the book - “The kind of changes that are significant don’t really come about by coercion。 They come about through understanding， and understanding is hard won， and it requires patience。”Ripley delves further into the political divide with insights that can rewire how we discuss politically fraught topics - “Generally speaking， there are six moral foundations that shape how we feel about politics， as social psychologist Jonathan Haidt described in his enlightening book The Righteous Mind。 Those six foundations are care， fairness， liberty， loyalty， authority， and sanctity。 These are the keys that unlock most political behavior。”“In the United States， liberals （and liberal members of the media） tend to be highly sensitive to three of these foundations: care， fairness， and liberty。 But they can be oblivious when it comes to concerns about loyalty， authority， and sanctity。 Conservatives and conservative media， generally speaking， seem to engage with all six， with a particular focus on loyalty， authority， liberty， and sanctity。” （Pg 202）Ripley notes “People do break free from high conflict。” She shows we can interrupt our conflict cycles in which we are trapped。 We can investigate our under-stories and break the binary of the groups involved。 We can purposefully distance ourselves from the fire starters in our lives。 One of the most powerful case studies is found in how a NYC Synagogue faced a controversy after the Rabbi had issued a statement about the Israel/Palestine issue that many in the congregation took offense to。 After much reflection， mediators were brought in to better understand the escalating feud which was growing into “high conflict。” Only after much discussion， “It became clear that many people wanted the same end goal: for Israel to be stable and secure and for the Palestinians to have independence and dignity。 （Pg 242）What the congregation did after healing their own wounds is incredible。 They accepted an invitation to travel to Michigan to visit a group of gun-toting conservatives who were prison guards， staying in their homes and having open dialogues on temperature raising issues。 The Michiganders then made a trip to NYC to visit the synagogue。 Ripley’s quotes from members of both parties show they were both changed in how they viewed “the other，” at least for a time。 In the end， Ripley states - “Understanding people doesn’t change them。 It’s not nearly enough。 But almost no one changes until they feel heard。 People need to realize you heard them even as they realize you disagree， before they will hear you。” （Pg 247）As one gay Jewish woman stated after the meetings， “It was hard for me not to think ‘Did we change anyone’s mind？’” Ripley adds - “That question violated the rules， she knew， but she couldn’t help it。” 。。。more
Susan
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I can't hardly think of a better "self-help" book to read at this time in history。 Ms。 Ripley does an amazing job of relating stories of high conflict and how people got there and how they got out。 I had to take an active listening class for work one time， but I swear I didn't get as much out of that class as I did from this book。 I had actually heard part of the story she relates about former gang members in Chicago。 The most intriguing story for me was the one about the exchange between libera I can't hardly think of a better "self-help" book to read at this time in history。 Ms。 Ripley does an amazing job of relating stories of high conflict and how people got there and how they got out。 I had to take an active listening class for work one time， but I swear I didn't get as much out of that class as I did from this book。 I had actually heard part of the story she relates about former gang members in Chicago。 The most intriguing story for me was the one about the exchange between liberal Jews from New York City and conservative corrections officers in Michigan。 It was so wonderful to hear about people disagreeing but still respecting each other。 I appreciated the fact that Ms。 Ripley said the good between those two groups wore off a little with time and new circumstances。 Staying out of high conflict with others takes work。 I highly recommend this book。 。。。more
Isabella Zink
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The Unthinkable is one of my favorite books so I was thrilled to read this。 While I think it’s an incredibly important subject， I felt frustrated reading it because of its choppy style。 To me， it read like Ripley would start a chapter， not sure where it was going， start a new section and write a bit before stopping and then starting a new section etc。 This resulted in a sort of whiplash narrative style lacking the flow to really hammer home points。
Jen
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Conflict can be healthy。 Or it can be extremely destructive。 This is a thoughtful and engaging look at conflicts large and small， and the all too human dynamics behind them。 One of my favorite storylines involved a world-renowned mediation expert who became mired in conflict with his local city council — and then worked his way back out of it。 The author has some very practical suggestions for identifying conflict in others and yourself， and strategies for avoiding high conflict。
Harold
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High conflict is a conflict in which people fight beyond all reason。 According to author Amanda Ripley normal conflict is good， but not high conflict。 If in your divorce your fight over the crockpot， paying lawyers thousands of dollars， you are in high conflict。 It’s the war of the Roses。 I suspect we have all seen it， so identifying it is worthwhile but not more。 She then gives several examples。Much of the book is focused on a family mediator from Mill Beach California， Gary Friedman， who decid High conflict is a conflict in which people fight beyond all reason。 According to author Amanda Ripley normal conflict is good， but not high conflict。 If in your divorce your fight over the crockpot， paying lawyers thousands of dollars， you are in high conflict。 It’s the war of the Roses。 I suspect we have all seen it， so identifying it is worthwhile but not more。 She then gives several examples。Much of the book is focused on a family mediator from Mill Beach California， Gary Friedman， who decides to run for local office， and while a great mediator makes a bad politician。 As a politician he fights with and alienates most of his constituents。 His ideas sound inclusive and warm， but are lousy in the political context。 It is never clear that this is high conflict as much as gross ineptness， but Friedman apparently realizes this situation and changes his tune。 Ripley’s conclusion is that this is how to move out of high conflict。 Indeed it was。 The answer to how resolve high conflict seems to be to stop being an asshole。 That is neither easy nor earth shattering， and no matter how well Ripley writes， she is a bit short of content， other than a few bland war stories。 。。。more
Cathy D
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Refreshingly postive
Trevor Stokes
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Combining good old-fashioned storytelling with very practical tips on how to get out of high conflict situations where the conflict itself seems to take over as opposed to any original disagreement。 Jump to the appendix for straightforward guidance but circle back to the narrative woven throughout the book that shows under high conflict， you may feel like you're getting what you want but it's to the detriment of everyone。 I think this should be mandatory reading for politicians and pundits to st Combining good old-fashioned storytelling with very practical tips on how to get out of high conflict situations where the conflict itself seems to take over as opposed to any original disagreement。 Jump to the appendix for straightforward guidance but circle back to the narrative woven throughout the book that shows under high conflict， you may feel like you're getting what you want but it's to the detriment of everyone。 I think this should be mandatory reading for politicians and pundits to start to have more elevated conversations and more curiosity rather than us versus them demonizing mentalities。 。。。more
George Mckinley
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Fantastic read- provocative， relevant， insightful。 Contains many references to other notable authors and works。 Though chalk-full of concrete information reads as a narrative and allows readers to delve into an open， extroverted worldview during increasingly divisive periods of history。
Greg Talbot
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Given h
Kriti | Armed with A Book
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